This past week I faced an old barrier which was totally blocking my confidence. It had to do with artistic painting. This is something I’ve carried a passion for and dabbled with through the years.
This spring, I’ve enjoyed spending time in my garden, appreciating its beauty and the peace brought to me. As my appreciation grew, I found myself with a strong desire to paint the garden. However, I felt defeated before I even started. I’d painted over the years, but I’d never been greatly confident or satisfied.
Not being a naturally gifted artist, like others in my classes, I’ve had terrible bouts with self-judgments and gone through miserable emotions of feeling like a failure as an artist. (I’ve carried confidence in other areas, but not art.)
Many times, I’ve questioned myself, “Why on earth is painting so important to me? Is it worth all the inner turmoil it puts me through?” And I recall recently thinking, “Would I expect to sing like Celine Dion after trying really hard?” The answer is, “No matter how hard I ever tried, I could never sing like her!” Yet, my desire to paint has never waned and I still wanted to paint – with, or without, an artistic gift!
The last two years, I’ve taken painting from a wonderful teacher, Vicki Walsh. She actually teaches the skills of painting, which is a rarity among art teachers.
At one point, I actually quit my art classes in the middle of the semester, feeling so discouraged while trying to paint a decent rose. It felt impossible! Vicki called me to come back and I reluctantly returned. As a result, I tried harder and had a little more success. One inch at a time!
Last Sunday, I decided to face my fear and to paint a picture of our beautiful garden. When I set up my paints, brushes, and easel, I realized how scared I felt. And how much dread I was carrying. Would it be another failure?
I had never broken through the barrier of low confidence, frustration, and fear when it came to art. In fact, at times, it’s felt like self-hatred. Believe it or not, artists commonly go through this kind of ordeal!
But, on Sunday, I challenged myself, “What have I got to lose!”
I recalled my teacher’s words of advice. “Try to finish the painting in one day. Don’t get stuck, just keep going. And, solve one problem at a time.”
That’s just what I did. Self-expression takes guts! Although scared, doubting, and a bit worried that I was going to go to all the trouble for nothing, I began.
Three and a half hours later, I completed it.
I found that, once I faced my fear and decided to keep going past it, I actually enjoyed the painting process. That’s a breakthrough! The painting may not look super professional, but it captured the peace and beauty that reside in my garden. Somehow, the painting even captured its heart and soul.
As I write this, the oils are drying on the canvas. I love looking at my painting as a reminder that I broke through a huge, long term barrier that I’ve carried for over 40 years. I feel liberated!
Whatever you may be facing that’s causing you pain or self-doubt, face your fear and go for the breakthrough. Let’s do this together! I’m with you!
