In your close relationship, are you stuck? Need a quantum leap, in some new direction, in order to get yourself free?
In the Navy Seal team movie, “Act of Valor,” they showed the team’s impressively powerful ability to create a plan to free one of their people who was held captive in a remote jungle setting. They called it a “hot extraction.” It was impressive with ammunition, skills, brute strength, effective communication, equipment, & a lot of intelligence, midst great danger.
It made me think of some of the relationships I’ve had in my life where I probably held on too long & needed to be rescued – maybe by a hot extraction! It’s hard to evaluate a relationship during a time when feelings run high or while feeling strongly attached to the idea, “It’s just got to work!”
Like the Navy Seal team’s execution of a hot extraction, there are a lot of skills needed to know what to do and whether or not to extract yourself. Unlike the Navy Seal team, none of these skills, however, call for explosives, running, yelling, violence, or shooting someone.
But it does call for deep reflection and quiet thinking about what you really want. And whether you’re willing to settle for less than you want or deserve.
Sometimes we are stuck in “captivity relationships” because of loyalty or fear. Sometimes we just can’t let go. Other times, the love has left long ago but we’re still attached from our time invested together.
The real question, perhaps, is to ask if a grand awakening is possible. That would be where one or both partners wakes up and resets the “it’s been god-awful together but maybe we can learn to be new with each other” button. What would that be like? What kind of plan or tools would you need in order to fulfill such a hope? And is it even possible?
First off, you need both parties to mutually and equally agree that they’re willing to work on it at the level of 100%. You need an open, honest, loving, calm discussion about the relationship. There needs to be safe space created to discuss the problems and examples of how and why you feel the way you do. This is where it can get explosive.
But two people who are dedicated to making it work and to become new together can persist through this and pick up tremendously valuable listening skills. Each party needs and deserves to be heard in a loving way. Each party needs to be given the opportunity to get out their feelings.
This may take many talks over a period of time. Be sure, at the beginning of each talk, you establish that “In the interest of taking the relationship higher, I want to share my deep feelings and hurts. But I’m not interested in blaming you, only in getting out my story, how it felt, and feels, and exploring ways we can go forward.”
You also tell your partner that you’re interested in being heard and feeling cared for during the process. And you’re equally interested and caring about listening to their feelings and needs. Each of you need to commit to the process until everyone has gotten out their story sufficiently, felt heard and cared for, and the issues have been cleared to a good degree that there’s a sense of going forth in a new way, with a renewed trust.
Be prepared to grow in patience and emotional steadiness and balance throughout this process. And it also calls for ongoing forgiveness. It’s a process that will take you both to a logical point of seeing, once the air has been cleared (& maybe you have years from the past to clear), whether or not you still want to be together.
One thing is for sure. With all this process, you will each have your own grand awakening about the relationship you’re exploring together. And you will love the depth, intimacy, and maturity that evolves within you. In fact, you will, most likely, have many grand awakenings.
My brother has always said that if you wait and are patient, the decision will become obvious to you. This is one of those cases. There’s no guarantee that, although you give your all to these discussions and you go past, what you feel is almost a breaking point within you as you sort through the feelings together and come to a greater understanding of each other’s needs, that it will work. It may not. Don’t push to make it work. Just explore what you have and the possibilities that may open to you. You may actually find yourself falling in love with each other again!
I feel that the exploration is worth it, in most cases. Unless you know that the person doesn’t care as deeply as you do or isn’t equally committed to finding new ground, or is abusive, then you may as well give it a try as long as you can stay in harmony throughout the process. Bottom line, are you happy?
But be willing to be honest with yourself if you see signs that it’s really not going to change and that it may, most likely, stay the same for years to come. That’s when you may need a hot extraction, removing yourself – as gut wrenching as that can be! The hurt will eventually leave, I promise you. Letting go of a once-beloved relationship with all its baggage of unfulfilled hopes and dreams might be both the healing extraction and grand awakening your life needs. In such a case, be as daring & brave as the Navy Seals and take strong action for yourself to create the life of love that you truly deserve. You’re worth it!
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