I have regrets about my past.
The other night, I awoke, thinking about my regrets. It felt bad. I got up out of bed and decided to face my regrets – for the first time – rather than wishing they’d go away and trying to stuff them down. The feeling of regret is one of the worst I know.
I wondered if there was anything I could do.
Pulling out a pad and pin, I spent a long time with my regrets, listing them. Just what were these awful demons of my past? I decided to face the major ones bothering me, one by one, even though there was nothing I could do about them that I knew of. After all, they were in my past and the regrets of my past were already committed. They were done. Right?
As I made my list and included the people involved, I was bombarded with self-judgments. I’d let myself down. I failed to act my best, failed to care enough for others. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and deeply haunted by the things I couldn’t change. “Why did I do those things?,” I anguished. Stupid me.
I allowed myself to feel the feelings at the deepest level. I needed to grieve. And in order to do so, I’d need to really come in touch with my specific regrets and how bad they felt. Actually, I realized that this was part of the problem. I had never allowed myself to feel bad at the time. I just stuffed it down unconsciously. I was, for the first time, allowing myself to be conscious about those times I regretted not being who I wanted to be. And I allowed myself to grieve as deeply as I needed.
As I stayed with this process, I began to reason from my present self. I realized that who I was back then, so many years ago, is not who I am today. I’m a very different person. I improved – a lot.
For the first time, I had a little light come in, I actually felt better.
The person who I am today, would never have committed the things I did in the past. It was time to say goodbye to the young girl in her twenties, who didn’t know who she was and acted out of ignorance. She just didn’t know better. She didn’t know the long term consequences of bad feelings her actions would give.
Offering myself empathy helped a great deal.
So now, I’d identified my regrets, faced them, felt them, and empathized with myself for all my suffering as a result of them.
Now what?
I realized that the dark feelings of shame and embarrassment were leaving. I was in a process of forgiving myself for my past. The young girl didn’t know better. I could forgive ignorance. I could forgive myself by offering myself this understanding.
Oddly, the young girl of this story was, at times, apathetic towards others because she was unconscious about their pain. Mainly because she didn’t want to learn about it because then she’d feel bad. The young girl of this story was without tools or resources for being sensitive, deeply caring, empathetic towards another’s suffering she created. But there was something deep inside her that knew something was wrong.
I understood her. I was sorry.
I listed people who I thought I’d hurt. I sent them enormous love from my heart. I blessed their lives today.
As I matured over the years, I’ve been able to be far more conscious and, mostly, keep up with what I feared may become regretful behavior if I didn’t change my behavior using more patience, or empathy for others, having greater awareness in the moment, and getting my heart involved with caring.
I wish I’d never again make a mistake! I suffer more than ever now when I do. I’m sure that’s progress.
As I practice loving and caring today, I recall the girl who became a woman and who made mistakes she deeply regretted. I can see how lost she was at times and the stupid mistakes she made as a result. I realize how she invalidated her feelings and never felt them. I know her pain and frustration from not knowing what to do at the time and from not being fully aware. I realize now how she was able to numb herself, bottle up her feelings, and fail to be fair to herself, betraying herself and treating herself so harshly as to suffer all these years.
I realized how different I’d become. I’ve been able to cultivate things in my life that the previous girl didn’t have – purpose, direction, sensitivity towards how I am affecting others, caring about them more deeply, and being watchful about my behaviors.
My attitude has changed over the years. So have my standards. I learned to recognize my own needs and speak them rather than stuffing down my feelings.
More than anything else, I learned the value of love and the great need I have for it and to give it to others. Love is the main thing we all need and the one thing that helps us to prevent doing things we regret.
As days passed since reckoning my regrets, I continued to allow myself to remember other regrets from my past and to process them the same way, even feeling little deaths from chapters closing out as I allowed myself to release my self-sentences of dread, guilt, shame, doom, and self-hatred.
Whatever your regrets are, even if they were more recent, I encourage you to identify them, one by one. And face each of them along with the people involved. Try to understand why you acted in the way that you did. Only in this way can we learn from our mistakes.
And finally offer yourself forgiveness. Start letting go as you release hurt, anguish, frustrations, grievances against yourself, and the host of other awful feelings involved with regret.
We deserve to forgive ourselves, to square our accounts, to learn and move on. It’s what we came here for. This is the important part. We will make mistakes, lots of them. But we need to give ourselves a great deal of love, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness around them. We’re worth it. Don’t take your regrets to your grave. Unless you deal with them now, they already have you buried alive.
As you practice addressing your regrets, they will lessen and you will become freer. You’ll love the new feeling and feel encouraged to practice it more.
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